“Laura, it’s wonderful to see you!”

What a sweet greeting this would be…if you actually were Laura. Increasingly, Mom is calling you by her sister's name, forgetting that you are her daughter. When someone with dementia forgets you, it’s heartbreaking. The sadness is overwhelming, the frustration undeniable, and the questions keep mounting up: Why is this happening? What do I do now?

These pointerswill help you react to these moments with grace and love, keeping your connection alive in a unique and different way.

Understand That It’s Not Personal

When someone you love no longer recognizes you due to dementia, it’s easy to feel hurt, as though all those precious moments you shared have been forgotten. Still it’s important to remember: this has nothing to do with you personally. Dementia causes changes in the brain that can make it difficult, and sometimes even impossible, for them to recollect the individuals who mean the most to them.

They have not forgotten you deliberately. They have not stopped caring about you, just because they are not able to recall your name or how you’re related. This is actually the disease talking, not the individual. Reminding yourself that it is the dementia—not a reflection of your relationship—can help you manage the painful emotions that arise in these moments.

Concentrate on the Feelings, Not the Facts

Even though the person might not be able to recall your name, they are able to feel your presence. Dementia often impacts memory, but it does not get rid of the ability to sense emotions. Even if they don’t realize you are their daughter, spouse, or son, they can still feel comforted, loved, and safe in your presence.

So instead of concentrating on making them recall the specifics of your relationship, work on creating positive feelings. Share a comforting hug, smile when you see them, hold their hand. These actions mean more than words or names, and  they can bring moments of connection even when the specifics have faded away.

Enter Their World

Dementia can make a distance between your reality and theirs, and sometimes bridging that gap means giving up the need to bring them back to your reality. If the individual believes you are someone from their distant past, or is confused by the present moment, it can be comforting just to join them in their reality rather than try to correct them.

For instance, if they think you are an old friend from childhood, rather than encouraging them to remember who you really are, ask questions about their current memory. This process can reduce confusion and anxiety for them and enables you to share a moment of joy in their present understanding.

Find New Approaches to Connect

When memory fades, it doesn’t mean the connection must fade with it. Finding new ways to stay connected will help keep your bond in a meaningful way. Think about what still brings them joy. Music is frequently a wonderful tool—it may bring memories rushing back even when words and names are forgotten. Playing their favorite songs might bring a smile to their face and also help you share a happy moment together.

Photos and easy activities can also help. Looking through old family pictures may not stimulate detailed memories, but it can still foster a feeling of familiarity and comfort. Activities like sharing a favorite snack, taking a walk together, or brushing their hair can create new positive moments, even if they don’t recognize you in the conventional sense.

Allow Yourself to Grieve

There’s no doubt that when someone you care about doesn’t recognize you, it feels like a deep loss. It is okay to feel sad, angry, or even helpless. You’re grieving a significant change in your relationship, and that grief is valid. Remember to accept your feelings and find outlets for them, such as talking with a friend, joining a support group, or writing in a journal.

You do not have to go through this alone. Connecting with other individuals who know what you are going through can help you process your emotions. Realizing that you are not on your own in facing these difficult moments can make it feel a little less isolating.

Celebrate Small Moments of Joy

While the person may not remember your name, there will still be moments that are worth celebrating. A shared laugh, a gentle touch, a smile—these moments are important, even if they seem small. Shift your focus to these fleeting moments of joy, because they're still real, and they still matter.

If your loved one seems content and calm in your presence, that is a win. When they smile at a favorite song or relax when you hold their hand, that is a success. These experiences remind you that while the relationship may look different now, the love you share remains; it is just shown in new ways.

Explore Our Dementia Care Services

We know that forgetting names is just one of the many difficult outcomes of dementia, and we’re here to support you through all of them. Our care professionals receive specialized training in effective dementia care practices, and we’d welcome the chance to help someone you love. Contact us any time at 617-376-3711 to learn more about our dementia care in Boston, Metro West, Cape Cod and the Islands, and the surrounding areas in Eastern Massachusetts, with live-in care servicesavailable throughout New Hampshire, Vermont, Maine, and Massachusetts.